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There has been recent reports of a THEIF stealing our style and design to make this horrible and disgusting program called "Da news squad".
I am taking eagle action against this THEIF, His name is @BoxerBraydog and he will DIE.
I hope you have had a wonderful day NEWSERS!
(DO DA DO DAAAAAA)
Welcome to THE NEWS!
I'm your host Dan The Man With No Plan, Stan.
Today's first story is that we apparently have no female reporters.
"How did this happen?" - Barry
"What?" - Doug
"Excuse me?" - Terry
"Ummm, What?" - Greg
"WOWZERS" - Chuck
To solve this we have recruited a new field reporter, Prisilla.
"Thank you new guy, I'm currently in front of this big building where somebody dieded."
Well thank you Pricisialla.
Yes thank you Pieces.
Our next story is about a large animal that is in the ocean, It was first sighted by some locals off the coast of Africa.
It has been seen by coast guards all over the world.
We have invited biologist George Fishman to tell us about this strange creature.
"Umm, Are you high? Have you never heard of a sperm whale?"
We're talking about this large fish, not sperm.
"No, fuck this. Goodbye"
Goodbye fish man.
And now, for the FORECAST, Bad Company Chuck!
"WOWZERS, I HAVE THE WEATHER AND IT'S SUNNY AND RAINY ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT!"
Thank you Chuck.
That was THE NEWS, Thank you for watching and remember to only eat meat!
2017-10-10 12:45:16 by Collio
(BA DA DA DA DUMMMM)
Hello! I am your host Daniel the Maniel and I am here to give you THE NEWS!
Our first story is of a man who decided drinking water was bad for you.
We sent our field reporter Doug to interview him on this, Here is the following transcript of the interview.
"Well it started with me in the kitchen, Drinking my usual 12 glasses of water a day. Then it hit me, Water is bad for you, Everyone who drinked it has or will die, Even breathing it will kill you. And the name, Dihydrogen Monoxide, That sounds really scary and dangerous doesn't it?" - Former child, Mr. Lastname
"Yes but what does this have to do with fields?" - Doug
"What?" - Mr. Lastname
"I think we are done here." - Doug
As you can see he clearly knows something we don't, currently he is organizing a protest in front of the city's water treatment plant.
Our second story is about the ongoing riots over a new video game being cancelled, we asked local gamers to explain why they are so angry.
"Dude, Pro Bass Fishing 7 was going to be game changer for competitve fishing games. This is criminal what they did!"
Recently several petitions and negotiations have taken place about this issue, We'll keep you updated on this over the following millenia.
And now, introducing our new sports reporter: Terry!
"Thank you Daniel, As you can see Mr. Sports dude got a boo boo and had to go home. And the new line-up for some sports ball team has been annouced."
We just got word of a recent outbreak of Coloria, It's a strange virus that has been seen to destroy pigment producing cells.
The CDC refuses to comment on the issue right now.
And now, for the weather. Hello, Goodbye Chuck!
"Today's forecast is going to be a bit of rain at evening and then some sun tomorrow."
That was THE NEWS, Thank you and goodnight!
(DO DO DUDUDU DAAAAA)
Welcome to THE NEWS folks!
I'm your host Collio the destroyer of worlds and I'm here the NEWS you some NEWS!
Our second story is that we somehow lost the first story, Nobody remembers what it was or how we got ahold of it and now we're having to start from the second story.
While we try to find that story we have decided to give you some extra stories to make up for that!
This just in icecream is illegal to eat or sell, Mayor BranFlakes McWheat has made a statement on this issue "Brain freeze is out greatest threat, we must destroy it. Our great town will not be destroyed by these frozen devils!"
After this he immediately cut down the cost of most grain products by 20%!
And now for stocks, with our new stock reporter Greg!
"The price of stocks are going up and down and stuff, Currently the new start-up WeDon'tSellAnthing.inc is growing fast so buy while it's cheap!"
Thank you Greg.
Next up we have reports of a strange phonomonon, One man has been runnning around the town "stabbing" people with a trick knife, his victims have been reported to just say "I'm dead" and go to sleep on the ground.
Everyone effected has yet to wake up.
And now for the weather, It's My Life Chuck!
"Currently we are facing extreme global warming, The earth's temperture is rising and we can't do anything about it."
I meant the local weather Chuck, the forecast.
"Screw the forecast Daniel, we are dying and you just want to know if you should bring an umbrella."
Well that was THE NEWS kids!
(BA BAD DA DUMMMMMMM)
Welcome to the news folks!
Today we are going to talk about stuff and things, mainly stuff though.
Our first story involves bread and knives, the greatest thing happened but the local authorities have yet to release any more details, and the non-local authorities just released a statement about this saying "What? Who are you? Get out of my house!".
As you can see, they have a very strong opinion on the matter and do not want to talk any futher about it.
Our second story is about a local cool dude doing several flips and being way too cool for his own good, he has been reported to say to witnesses and police officers trying to stop him "You're not my mom!" "Eat my shorts, loser" and "You lame-os are just mad because you are angry".
Currently local police officers and firemen are trying to stop him before he gets a tattoo, stays up past his bedtime, and submits to pear pressure and eats drugs.
And now for the weather, Take it away Chuck!
"Today's forecast is DEATH AND SMOG, NOTHING CAN STOP IT. THE SMOKE PENETRATES OUT VERY SOULS."
Okay that's enough Chuck.
That has been THE NEWS folks, have a lovely day!
(BA DUM DUM DUM)
2017-09-24 00:27:36 by Collio
Sometimes I wonder how far you can run a joke into the ground before everybody hates you and you have to go to a different town because nobody likes you and that's not a fun thing to have happen to you because nobody likes nobody liking you and why are eagles basically the mascot of America? I mean how did that happen and why, Why would someone look at that one dumb bird and just say "yep, that's America." Oh wait I could probably just google that because this isn't google or yahoo answers or anything like that why am I asking a question like that here, why am I even typing this why am I wasting my time trying to type this for absolutely no reason I don't need to do this I could be doing better things with life life, I could get a job and have friends and ger a girlfriend I am so lonely please help me and why am I still here, complaining about life problems that don't even effect you because you're a handsome, strong, smart, funny, weird, romantic man and I don't know why I'm not going out and getting a boyfriend and/or a girlfriend like you have like why would I waste my time wasting my time wasting my time wasting my time wasting my wasting my time wasting my time wasting my time here and making repeating sentences like this one that keep repeating like this one that keep repeating like this one that keep repeating like this one someone please stop this madness I really need to stop this I am just trying to write this as fast as possible with no regard for quality or content or even intelligence or should I say type because I'm not writing this with a pen and paper or a pencil and wall or some other medium that you can use to write things I am using a keyboard to type this, a standard QWERTY keyboard that's built into my laptop that I hate and I should get a new computer instead of just wasting my time dealing with this stupid thing but I can't get a new computer cause I have no money and I need to get a job like a said before but I won't becuase I'm a lazy bitch for the 50th time why am I still wasting my time typing this why will I not get out of this chair and do things that could benefit me also I must say congratulations for getting this far into this stupid and retarded newspost that I am writing or should I say typing because I'm using a keyboard for this and not a brush and Ford Focus and back on topic congrats for getting this far unless you skimmed and only saw the congratulations because you are a self-centered son of a bitch who only looks for self gratification like my father that bitch will die alone for what he did to me and my brother but whatever he's just a stupid old man too afraid to change his ways and be a good person.
So how what your day? mine was great and I eat Coco Puffs for breakfast and some Chicken nuggets for lunch and then some Twix and then some Starbursts and then I eat some white rice and cheesy chicken for dinner also I listened to a lot of music such as Paint it, Black by The Rolling Stones and Owner of a Lonely Heart by Yes, also One For The Vine by Genesis did I tell you how cool Genesis is? They make really good songs I found them after hearing Misunderstanding on the radio and then I listening to No Reply At All when I was arguing in chat so it was ruined for me for a while but it's all cool now also I wanted to mention some cool dudes that are cool and awesome and there is three of them I will mention and they are NeonSpider CoolBerries and Boss they are neat people and fun to talk to if you are also a cool dude and you probably aren't reading this because it's so long and intimidating and you might skim if you are like the bravest man in the world or just really boring or have a lot of free time I don't even remember when I started writing this damn stupid thing why am I still doing this I have other things to do this isn't helping me or you and nobody is even going to read this is there even a limit to how many characters a news post can have?
Oh my god I have typed so many letters and this is getting really long why the fuck am I not stopping this I really need to stop this is getting out of hand I have typed so much yet have so much more to say nothing matters anymore we are all just going to die whyyyyyyyy ammmmm IIIIIII doing thisssssssssssssssssss.
It rained for the first time in months, You may or may not know what that means.
(PLEASE CONTACT AN ADMINISTRATOR FOR ASSISTANCE)
...How long I could make one single post, like make it run on for a disastrously long amout of words.
I mean it's certainly possible for me to just add filler like "the floor is made of floor mateirial" but I'd rather try to organically make it absurdly wrong, of course by now I'rn running out of things to say so I just might go with that floor concept but I really don't want to do that because I just said I wouldn't and now I'd be a liar if I did do that.
And I don't want to start going on a tangent about how Blue Oyster Cult makes great songs or the state of U.S politics because that would just be out of nowhere and just forced.
Then again I already lied once with the floor example and at this point I don't really care, BOC makes great songs and fuck Trump.
Though really if you haven't listened to BOC then you should, I recommend Don't Fear The Reaper and Sole Survivor.
Oh and After Dark, Astronomy, Flaming Telepaths, Vengence (The Pact), Burnin' For You, Veteran Of the Psychic Wars, and Fire Of Unknown Origin.
Hmmm, this still isn't my longest post to date I'm pretty sure. I remember making a post about some incident involving me and some troll.
At this point I should just give up, I have nothing else to say and this has been going on for a while.
I should probably expect "TL;DR" comments because of this, even though anyone who says that is an idiot who doesn't realize that if you didn't read it you should say anything because it's like saying a movie is too long and complaining about purely because of it's length and not even watching it.
You know this would be funny if it was inserted into a TOS or something, Because almost no one reads them (I do, but thats besides the point).
Also I just realized that people are going to get mad about my "fuck Trump" comment just because I brought politics into this.
I think I have made it long enough to say I am good at talking too much.